Oct 29 Update

First my commercial
GO VOTE!!!! PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO GET THAT DONE NEXT WEEK!!

Moving on........
It has been so long since we last posted. We have been so busy getting our lives under control since moving that we quite forgot to keep up with this. I started working at Dell back in August when we first moved but Beth also got a job there working in the Customer Service department. We both have the exact same schedule there so we wake up together, make breakfast together, go to work and spend the entire day together and then come home. It's honestly very nice. I am still working with server tech support and staying very busy with that. I have been traveling back to Seattle once a month for drill with my unit at Ft. Lewis and while it's somewhat tiresome, I still sometimes get to see friends and family when I am back. Beth and I watched a movie last night that was filmed in Seattle and just seeing the ferry boats and skyline made us so homesick we could hardly take it. If we didn't know we had a plan and a purpose here we would have probably packed our bags then and there and come back.
We miss City Church so bad. We miss our family and friends terribly. The heartache and longing to be home is palpable but we can see this is a necessary step to coming back and setting up a family there sometime in the foreseeable future. God willing I am going to be able to go back to school here in January and continue getting my degree. Be praying for Beth because she is very close to making a decision on a major and finishing her school as well. We are volunteering in our church here for right now. Beth is teaching in Sunday school and I am finishing the paperwork to work the check-in table for nursery and classes. I was shocked at how much paperwork and background checking you have to go through now because you are working with children but I understand it's a good thing. Just too bad we have to worry about those things in our church now.
Beth and I both got a year older back in September and for her birthday I surprised her by coming back to Seattle and taking her to see Phantom of the Opera at the Paramount Theatre on the day of her birthday. It's something that I have always wanted to do and finally was able to. I always had planned to take her to the one in New York but this seemed a good chance to before it goes the way of Cats and gets shut down.

Thats the dome in the opera house by the way

Be praying for us because my unit is starting to gear up for a deployment somewhere down the road. For security I cannot say where or when on the internet but its close enough to make us start planning should I eventually have to go. We will see what happens but be praying that God's will is done in this and we would be able to handle whatever comes. I am not that worried about it and simply hope to one day have a stable life and settle down with my wife not wondering if I get to go play in the Sandbox for a few months. I will have Beth post on here in the next few days as well cause she writes better than I and I know some of you are dying to hear how she is doing.

Snow in early October is Awesome!!

Have a great weekend (Yes I know its Wednesday)
and see you later
~Lynn

Well since we have moved to Idaho things have been moving right along. I am NOT going overseas (they finally reversed that paperwork), I have been working at Dell for 3 weeks, Beth is finishing the hiring process at a couple places seeing what she wants to do and we are still unpacking boxes. I hate moving. Just when you think you can't take another box, it pokes out from under the table and glares at you. Maybe by the time we are ready to move back to Seattle we will feel like we are really done.
Beth has heard from her friends in Seattle and if I am not mistaken the number currently stands at 8 that are expecting within the last month or so. We keep looking at each other wondering if we got out of Seattle in time or if it followed us here. We really want a family but not for a while. There must be something in the water because in the past week I think I have heard of 2 or 3 more. Congratulations to those who have a new little loved one coming into their family. We cannot wait to be back in the Puget Sound with our friends and family there.
Last week I had a little excitement. Beth and I went swimming with friends down in the Snake River Canyon and for fun, I and two other friends jumped off a cliff once each. It was a small cliff only 20-25 ft but having never done this before I didn't do it right and ruptured my left eardrum. 3 or 4 hours later the pain in my ear was so intense I went to the ER and they confirmed it was ruptured and gave me hydrocodone for pain and medicated eardrops. I took the pain pills right before going to bed and apparently I am allergic to them. I woke up with a swollen head and sicker than a dog. Not only did I not go to work Thursday, Beth practically scraped me off the floor around 11AM and took me back to ER. I spent the afternoon with an IV in my arm getting re-hydrated and with Benadryl trying to cancel out the reaction. Took a few days to get totally back to normal but as I told Beth, the primary benefit I see from this is I only have to listen to her half the time now. Actually, I would have been in very bad shape if she hadn't taken care of me.

I know I know its been a long time since we have updated but there is good reason for that. 1) We are moving to Idaho in a week and packing for that has been crazy, 2) I have been on active orders for my "Two weeks a year" with my Army National Guard unit, and 3) they have been trying to actually deploy me in the last couple of weeks and we have been praying over that and trying to come to terms with it.
I can't say who or when or what but I was selected to deploy in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom in the near future with a unit other than my own. This came as a huge shock because it would be very dangerous and there was little forewarning. My commander in my unit feels concerned that our trials with Aimee would cause me such mental and emotional strain that I would not be able to do my job there correctly. They have been trying to work it out and get me off the list for deployment but there are a huge amount of checks and balances they have to hurdle and I have no direct control over the situation. It is very frustrating as you can imagine watching this process and knowing your life is in some other persons hands. The news and updates we hear from my chain of command are hopeful and we continue to pray this will be reversed. Please pray specifically that my deployment orders are rescinded or reversed. I have no fear in deploying. I signed up for this and will fulfill my duty as a soldier. However, this comes so closely on the heels of our family tragedy (I got the alert call the same week we picked up Aimee's ashes from the funeral home) I am fighting panic and fear at every turn. I fully intend to go with my unit when and if they deploy but I don't think now is the best time.
On a lighter note, I finally got to fly for the first time with my unit last week. For those that don't know, I work in maintenance on Army helicopters and I am absolutely nuts about aircraft and flying. The crew chief gave me a harness and headset so I was jacked in with the pilots as they communicated with air traffic control. The two of us sat on the cargo ramp of the chopper and dangled our legs over the end while we were flying at about 5,000 ft. The pictures I've posted were taken with a camera phone so they are not great but they give you an idea.
Please feel free to email us or call for our new address in Idaho. Would love to stay in touch with you all and hope our move back to Seattle is soon.
-Lynn

My Sweet Little Aimee,
I can't believe it was a year ago today that I held you in my arms for the first time. I can still see you so tiny and fragile with your rosebud lips puckered up and your dark hair framing your perfect little face. After nine months of impatiently waiting for that moment I felt like I couldn't soak you in fast enough. You were absolutely beautiful. Watching your daddy hold you for the first time was one of the sweetest moments I have ever experienced. He changed from a tough army soldier to cuddly protective daddy in a split second. You turned us into a mommy and a daddy. You blessed us everyday with your smiles and little silly faces. I cannot fathom how much God loves us if He can love us more than we love you. Every time anyone got to hold you they always said that they could feel love radiating from you. That was all you knew. Pure and simple love. Aimee, not a day goes by when we don't miss you. Sometimes I still have dreams about you, I usually try to fall asleep again and pick up where they left off just so I can hold you again. Even though I can't come to you I know we will spend forever together. Being on this side of heaven it seems like you are so far away, but to you - I suppose I will see you in the blink of an eye! Happy Birthday little one. Your mommy and daddy love you with all their hearts and can't wait to see you again.

Thoughts from Lynn

I decided to write today because I am in a holding pattern at work and have nothing to do for a while. It's amazing what my wife writes isn't it? How many of you out there have marveled at Beth's ability to express her thoughts and touch a special place in your heart and mind? Sometimes I am so surprised to read her blogs and realize I don't know her as well as I thought. She has so many hidden strengths I just can't fathom it.
I have to tell you though - I miss my daughter so bad. I am getting to the point where I can start looking at her pictures again. For a long time I refused to look at photos because the pain was too near - too close. Once in a while I will unexpectedly run across a picture of her and it's like jumping in a lake of ice water. It's a shock and it takes your breath away for a few seconds. I have a jacket with an inside pocket I don't use very much anymore. The Sunday before she passed away I put one of her little socks that fell off in that pocket not thinking anything about it. After she was gone, a couple weeks went by and I put the jacket back on and discovered that sock. I felt a little piece of me almost die inside but it's like I am carrying her around with me again every time I put my coat on. God knows I would never wish her back here again with everything she went through but I also wish so much I could be with her. As a kid, I heard my great-grandmother talk about heaven and how she was ready to go there. I, in my youth, thought that was crazy. I kept thinking, "There are so many cool things here. Who would want to go to heaven? We have Disneyland, I want to get married, I want to have fun." As time goes on, I realize more and more how much of a fallen world we live in. Romans 8:20-23 expresses it so clearly. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23 And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. Vs 22 puts it so strongly, it's like the pains of labor living here sometimes, especially when you experience something like this. We were never meant to live apart from God but we chose that for ourselves. We have Disneyland sure but show of hands on who wants to live there for eternity. I am ready to start doing what God wants of me here but I am looking to the day to be home. I have to run - got a delivery to Tacoma for work.

-Lynn

We are moving right along. Literally!

The news is out. Lynn and I are moving to Idaho for a season. It has been quite a process actually and things are going surprisingly smooth so far. Lynn received a call from his previous employer in Twin Falls and they already have an interview set up tomorrow.
Ok, I gotta get to the cool part of this story. A few months ago Lynn's parents had offered us an opportunity to live in their empty house that needs someone there to take care of it. At the time we didn't feel like it was something that we could see happening. We pretty much closed the chapter on that book and moved on. A few weeks ago I was in my quiet time praying and reading and getting to my favorite time of just being absolutely still and waiting on Him to answer back. (You have no idea how difficult this can be for someone who has ADD!) During this time I kept on getting the word "Go". I was thinking "Hmm, well that's nice God, but 'go' do what? Go get a new job? Go make dinner? Go to the ends of the earth... Go....what?!?!" I even wrote it down then scribbled it out because it just didn't make any sense to me. I didn't think about it much if at all since it happened.
While we were on vacation they offered us the house again and we prayerfully considered it, but still had plenty of reasons either way. Lynn and I had to make a decision soon- we could not afford to just sit on the fence about it and we wanted to make sure that we were doing the right thing. We have been asking for wisdom like it says to in James "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
It was Friday morning and while I was getting ready for work it hit me like lightening. He already answered. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth and trying to explain this to Lynn at the same time. I was talking/gargling at a hundred miles a minute, foam everywhere... I think he thought I was mad! I knew deep down inside that this was the answer we had been praying and fasting for. "Go!" I was so shocked because I have tons of reasons why I wanted to stay in Seattle. I have an amazing church that I am part of. I have friends and family that have been there for us and walked with us through our hardest days, I love the green grass- and hate the sagebrush. I even called Deanna and asked her if God answers prayer like this! But when you get a word from God that sorta changes your perspective on it all. Lynn and I are completely in agreement about this decision and we are super excited to see what God has in store for us. With a word from Him it puts my heart at peace. I know He has gone before us. I know He has amazing plans for us.

(I was writing this late last night and was not able to finish, but as of this morning Lynn has a job waiting for him in Idaho! Nice job honey! )
We are going to be leaving the last few days in July. I hope we get to see all of you before then!

Miracles in the Making

Contrary to popular belief we have not abandoned our blog! I know it has been a while since I have shed any light on what Lynn and I are up to, but I promise I won't quit any time soon. To be as truthful as possible it has been more difficult to keep on going with the daily tasks these past few weeks than it has ever been since she went to be with Jesus. Lynn and I are trying to find our rhythm as a couple instead of parents (of course we will always be a mommy and a daddy at heart) and that has held more challenges than we expected.
Just to catch you up, Lynn's unit is being trained for infantry in Iraq. One of the infantry units is at full strength, but if there is any reason why some of the soldiers are unable to complete their training they would pull soldiers out of Lynn's aviation unit. I will be the first to admit there was that old familiar pang of raw panic when I heard about the call to duty. But this time Lynn and I immediately knew that every time we felt panic trying to creep back into our thoughts we just prayed together and attacked that little stinkin' pain in the tush... There have been so many miracles that God has worked out on our behalf because we were obedient to follow His call to the army. To begin with, Lynn was originally going to be working on the Black Hawk Helicopters for the Washington National Guard, but at the last moment Washington State changed their fiscal year and he changed his training field to the Chinooks instead. We found out that if he would have gone with the Black Hawks he would have been getting home about now from Iraq.
Another amazing miracle is that the army's health insurance covered Aimee's half- million dollar hospital bill. Can you imagine what kind of stress and pressure would be looming over us if we had that kind of debt to pay off? I remember when I was driving to work one morning and I was praying (I suppose it was closer to begging) that God would keep Lynn safe at home on US soil so he could be there as the daddy that Aimee needed and the husband that I needed too. I must have prayed for hours for Lynn's safety and I was so afraid that God didn't hear me, but I remember going to church and Pastor Gini was leading us in prayer and she said "God wants you to know He has heard your prayers and He is faithful!" It may have been a word for others as well, however I knew that the words she spoke were meant for me to hear that day.
My immediate family has been faced with health issues that seemed as if they came from nowhere and at the same time. I honestly couldn't believe it when I got the news. I kept thinking 'what next God? What else could possibly happen to me?' (nice attitude huh?) But then in His gentle, but very firm way (ya know what I mean- it is kinda like the last warning you get before you get disciplined by mom's wooden spoon) He brought Aimee's miracles back to my mind. A few weeks after Aimee was born we asked Pastor Judah to lay hands on her and pray for her healing. The encephalocele that was growing at the nape of her neck was a splotchy purple color and it was getting larger every week. When we were praying Lynn saw it shrink and the weird splotchy color was completely gone. Lynn told me that he couldn't even believe his eyes as he watched the purple color fade into a normal flesh tone in his hands. We even have before and after pictures. Of course it still got larger as she grew, but every single one of her doctors was absolutely amazed. They had never seen an encephalocele that was as large, but with no skin break down. Even up to the day it was repaired there was never any problem with the skin it was tough, thick and protected her from getting any infections. When I fix my mind on the amazing healing God that He is and the proof that He gave us , how can I have that kind of attitude? I can't! I just gotta keep praying and standing in faith with my family.
Sometimes when I am going through the hardest days and darkest nights it is hard for me to remember that I am a child of the miracle working God and HE LOVES ME!! But when I look at the things He has done, the separation He delivered us from, the healing and protection for my baby girl, the provision he already had planned before we needed it, and the free car that I prayed for and was given, how can I despair? When I first started blogging I honestly was a little down. There have been so many difficult things that have come up since we said goodbye to our precious little baby. I feel like I have been in sort of a numb fog for a while. Just reading about His miracles and his obvious love for us feels soooo good! I suppose I am learning that even when your hardest days get harder He still is. It is such a comfort to know that He is and always will be- no matter what you are going through.
On a side note I really want to thank all of those who have taken the time to help council and encourage us. I wish I could put into words how much I am blessed by your words of affirmation and motivation and even caution. We feel that you have helped spur us on into a richer and deeper love with our Savior as we seek His direction for us. Lynn and I have some pretty big decisions that are coming up and what we choose will definitely change the path for the rest of our lives. It really has been an honor to us that so many of you have been so involved in our lives and want to keep up on our progress. Thank you! We love you.

Coincidence... I think not.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God , my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalms 18:2

I can hardly believe that it has been over a month since our sweet little girl went to be with Jesus. I find myself having fewer moments where I have those little panic attacks wondering where she is. However, I am spending a lot of time just day dreaming of what she is doing and what she looks like now. Almost every time I get sad and the feelings of her loss threatens to crush me in its weight I just focus on what He did to get her to heaven. We got a call a few weeks ago that we were dreading to get. It was the funeral home and they wanted us to know that her ashes were ready to be picked up. It is one thing to make it through the storm and survive, but then to have to go through it in a different way again... uughh. Think of a hot shower on a sunburn.... I saw Lynn's demeanor change in seconds as he finished the conversation with the funeral director. Even more difficult than watching her slip away from her earthly body was actually forcing my mind to acknowledge that she wasn't here anymore. Lynn and I knew that this day was approaching, but the heaviness of it was more than we could have imagined. I remember actually heaving and just gasping for air not being able to control myself as we drove away from the funeral home. That day Lynn and I went to a really special place that had so much significance for us to scatter her ashes.
Before Lynn and I even considered starting our family our marriage was a few arguments away from a divorce. We went for a drive together to "talk" (OK we were really yelling and screaming) about what we were going to do. We pulled over at a park so we could get out of the same space we were stuck in and get a few yards away from one another. We both managed to end up out on this rock that jutted out in the middle of the small cove that had tall pines towering overhead and deep clear water on all sides. I don't know how long we stayed on that rock, but we talked a little, forgave a lot and walked off the rock knowing that there was a future for us. Within a few months Lynn and I found out our family was going to grow by one!
Lynn and I were back again at our special place. We were holding hands and walking through this little meadow that was full of little daises. It was kinda weird, but it was as clear as day... I saw Aimee in my mind totally different. Her little chubby hands were full of these little delicate flowers and she could sit up all by herself, her hair was longer with little curls at the ends and she was laughing; I could tell her eyes were actually focusing on what ever made her smile. Her face seemed different like it had expression on it of just pure silly innocent joy. I visit this heavenly place in my mind constantly. It is a perfect vacation spot in my mind that has a way of dissolving all the heavy sadness into relief and joy. Every time I see a baby that is Aimee's age I see Aimee in that way too. Oh, she is learning how to crawl... I bet she has a few teeth by now. In all honesty, it is encouraging for me to watch her little friends grow knowing that is what she is doing in heaven too. Who knows if that is really how it happens in heaven, but it works for me.
Lynn and I went back to the rock. We let her earthly body go, but knew where her whole, perfected, unique spirit was. I didn't realize it the first time I was there ( I wasn't exactly in a 'stop and smell the flowers' kind of mood), but at the top of this rock there are wild roses that grow and circle our special place. I know that this may be a stretch for some, but I am the kind of person who looks for symbolism in every chapter of every book. Can it be coincidence that we were on "the rock"? Can it be a coincidence that there was a crown of thorns at the top? I see Him in everything and everywhere we go. I love how His presence permeates and heals my heart. He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow.

Hope!

My heart is so heavy tonight. I just feel like I need to write this. When I was pregnant with Aimee I lived in a heavenly bliss until my first ultrasound. I can still remember going to our local clinic and being able to pick out the little stubby flippers and head shaped blob on the grainy black and white screen. I had no idea something was wrong. I did think that the technician was a little uptight and unfriendly. I asked for a picture of the baby to send to Lynn (he had been in Basic Training for the past 2 1/2 months) and she printed out a picture of an arm of all things. I was a little bummed because I wanted a profile so he could pick out all of her little appendages that were growing. I now realize she did that on purpose so I wouldn't see the gap at the base of her skull.
I got a call on Friday evening and my doctor said he was going to send me to a specialist for further testing. I felt like I had to pry information out of him. What kind of testing? What is wrong? Are you sure the technician had the right name on the pictures?
We had just started going to City Church- I take that back... We just started enjoying City Church. I had come from a super conservative church background and these hyper Christians were crazy! They would actually keep singing long after the song had ended. Once the words were gone from the screen I didn't know what to do and they just kept right on worshiping. I think almost everyone that I sat next to was praying in their prayer language. It didn't really weird me out though. My mommy received her gift right before she died and I wanted to pray in tongues as well. I had always heard of people having been baptized in the spirit and I assumed that it meant they had been dunked in the baptism pool, but at City Church I received God's holy spirit and my prayer language has taken my walk with Jesus to a whole new level.
At the City Church they even believed for prayers to be answered! I can't tell you how many times I have heard "Pray about it and if it is God's will it will just happen." I never thought about having the undying power of Jesus Christ living in me and standing in faith for miracles to happen. I think sometimes we get lazy and just leave it up to "His will" and never contend and stand in faith. It is dangerously easy to say "His will be done" and walk away from an issue than to not budge when the storm breaks. It takes a super natural strength to yell back at the thunder that My God is bigger His plan is greater and you cannot scare me with rain, hail and lightening because I am stuck to this Rock and there is nothing you can do to take me away!!! Oh I thank God for the kind of faith that City Church thrives and teaches in.
At the specialist's office I can remember seeing a weird bubble at the nape of her neck. They did so many measurements on her and this weird abnormality. Finally, after the longest 15 minutes, the doctor came in with the genetic counselor and the stenographer. I knew this couldn't be good. He had on a forced smile that was all too revealing and took my hand and told me that the baby had a birth defect that was too severe and inoperable. Basically the baby didn't have a chance. I remember I started to shake and cry uncontrollably. All I wanted was Lynn to be home and to cry in his arms. They let me use their office to make some calls and then our fight started.
I think that people who do not believe in the amazing heaven that awaits us try and find solace in the weirdest places. I was overloaded with dozens of pamphlets and books, business cards, fliers of grieving groups the list goes on and on. During the meeting with the doctor he explained that the safest thing to do would be to terminate the pregnancy. "It's just a simple procedure we have women who choose to do this often." I would be lying if I told you I was not tempted to abort my baby. "It would be easier to just get this situation out of the way. No one would know the decision I made... Lynn wouldn't even have to find out. I could tell everyone I had a miscarriage. God would forgive me... right?" It breaks my heart to admit that those were some of the brief ideas that crossed my mind. I even had a dream where I had the abortion, but i felt so empty inside.
Lynn made it home within 24 hours. I am so thankful for my amazing man of God. He knew exactly where we needed to be. We went to a Saturday night service and Pastor Jude prayed for us. I honestly was a little apprehensive to go. I was afraid that somehow they would know the thoughts that were going through my head and look down on me because of it. I knew what the right decision was all along. I knew, that I knew, that I knew, that I would not be the one to take away her life and I was at peace with knowing that. I just didn't want to face the storm that I saw brewing in the distance. That evening Lynn and I burned all of the information that the doctors gave us in our fireplace. I guess it was a way for us to show God that His word was all we needed.
Looking back I know it was only by God's amazing love that we made it through. He gave us that strength to counter the storm. Even when I felt like I was ready to throw in the towel He had the right person there at the right time to encourage me. We saw and experienced so many amazing miracles during Aimee's brief, but beautiful life. We had a faith that was sorta small and pitiful (we are talking mustard seed sized) and we are seeing it flourish and grow. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her. I don't take credit for any of this. It all happened that way because we were plugged in to the church. God had an amazing fortress that He sheltered us in. He is so good to us.
Lynn and I have been given the opportunity to speak with some parents who are going through the same issues at Seattle Children's Hospital. Please keep us in your prayers as we are moving into the ministry that He lays out before us. This has got to be unbearable for parents who don't have hope and I have got such a passion for sharing this hope with them.

Souluminations Photo Shoot

We wanted to share a few sweet pictures that we recently got back from the photographer.

Beth's mind...

Deep in the recesses of my mind I am still taking care of Aimee. I get up take a shower read my Bible have breakfast and then have a quick panic. 'I didn't check on her this morning when I got up! She is going to be so hungry.' Wait... oh... then it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Grief is such an awful emotion. When you are sad that's it, you are disappointed. However, this grief thing is a messy sticky emotion. It leaves a residue on everything you think or anywhere you go. You can see it in the faces of anyone who knows you. You don't like the look of it, but you feel that anyone who doesn't know what happened should. It is such a strange place to be. I am so happy at times knowing that she is more alive now than she was on earth, but it makes my heart so heavy not being able to cradle her in my arms. I feel like everything is a double standard...I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I physically hurt and ache, but I couldn't tell you where.
I can't stop thinking about the last morning I had with her. The last kiss I gave her. The last time I heard her breathe. I am honestly afraid if I don't keep it fresh in my mind I will forget it. But why would I want to remember something so heart wrenching when there were so many wonderful days and moments with her?
I know this is a heavy subject, but it feels good to get it off my chest. Writing it out seems to have a therapeutic element to it. By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this. I get all tongue tied when I talk and sometimes my fingers say it better than my mouth.
Lately I have been living in Psalms and soaking up Proverbs. I feel like David sometimes... "I love you Lord you are my rock and my fortress... Aaaaa!! save me Lord, my enemies are everywhere!! I love you Lord lets go conquer something together ... Help! I am drowning in my tears again!" (That was my little paraphrase... I hope you know David didn't really say that exactly.) This is such a crazy emotion, but I am trying to teach my mind that it does not need to dwell in this strange land. Because Christ is my rock my solid foundation and no matter what I feel or the things that could come crashing down, He is. Just that. He is.
Ok, I know this is a corny analogy, but in the movie Apollo 13 remember when they had to reboot the space ship after it had been shut down for a long time? They had to keep the earth in the window so that they knew where they were going. I feel like that is how it has been since she died. Everything out there seems like a void. Food doesn't taste good. Your favorite song has turned into muddy noise. It can get pretty dark out here. But as long as we are fixed on Him we know He will lead us out of this. When I feel all topsy-turvy I just plant my feet firmly on what I know to be true. It is still new to me. I feel like I am learning to walk all over again. But, when I think about Him it puts it all into perspective again. Grief may always be there, but it does not have to rule my life. I am really, really, really trying hard not to let my emotions rule my life. -Come on sisters, we know how hard that can be. But ya know- the closer the crew of Apollo 13 got to home the bigger earth got... I have a feeling that the longer we trust Him and the more we move forward the more clearly we will realize how big and amazing our God really is.
So to my hubby- I love you. Thanks for loving me despite my ups and downs.
To my family- your love and support has been priceless I am so thankful for you, Love you.
To my friends... heck you're family! I love each and every one of ya!

Donations to Seattle Children's

Some have asked us if there is a foundation or non-profit for donations in Aimee's name. Beth and I feel strongly that if you feel like making a donation for Aimee's sake, please consider sending it to Seattle Children's Hospital. Life would have been so difficult without the amazing work done there by so many wonderful people. Of course, if you have a foundation you support, please donate to them in her name there. Either way, we feel honored by the fact that others will benefit because of her testimony.

The link to Seattle Children's Donation site is:

http://waystohelp.seattlechildrens.org/donations/

Have a great week
-Lynn

Its been one long week.

Lynn and I survived our first week without her. It was packed with ups and downs, but we made it. Today we went looking for a new place to live. We have been renting an apartment and we thought that it would be nice to have a fresh start in a new place. However, once we thought about packing everything up and moving out we had a change of heart. It tore us apart to think of driving by this place someday and not being able to go inside. This is the only home that Aimee has known. I can't tell you how many times I have walked up and down that hall burping her at 3 in the morning. I think I would even miss the squash that splattered on the ceiling when I dropped the jar of baby food. Even though her bassinet is gone I can still see it when I walk by. Sometimes I catch myself just staring at the place where it use to be. I know the day will come when we will be ok with moving on, but I just can't do it yet.
My family flew in from Texas to be here for her memorial service. My daddy and I had a chance to have some of those priceless "daddy-daughter talks". When my mommy went to be with Jesus in 1990 he went through the same thing. He found comfort in living in the same home that they shared. Her touch was everywhere. I still remember we had a big sheet of paper on the fridge that covered the entire bottom door. At the top my mommy wrote "Jesus is my..." and we filled the bottom with everything that we could think of: friend, shepherd, healer, savior... I think I wrote down some pretty corny ones, but that piece of paper stayed on the fridge for at least 3 years.
So for now I don't know if I am ready to move. There is still a bottle in the fridge-I know it is gross, but I promise I won't leave in in there for 3 years! I still have lots of baby food in my pantry that I can't part with yet. Every once in a while at the grocery store I sneak away to the baby section and just smell the baby lotion. It has a way of bringing me right back to that place. I feel like I just gave Aimee a bath and wrapped her up in her little towel and snuggled her till she was all warm and cozy. I miss my girl so much it physically hurts.
Thank you all so much for coming to her memorial service. It was such an encouragement to be surrounded by people that have supported and loved us through this. Sometimes just being there makes all the difference in the world. We love you guys!

Chloe's Poem

In Her Mother’s Arms

Angels dancing in the sky,

And there the babe lies, in her mother’s arms.

The snow falling in the night,

And there the babe sleeps, in her mother’s arms.

Innocent Moon peeks through the clouds,

And there the babe struggles, in her mother’s arms.

A dog barks, a bird chirps,

And there the babe cries, in her mother’s arms.

Then all’s silent as they watch

All is silent as they watch

The miracle, the lamb, the babe,

As she drifts to her home in heaven,

In her loving mother’s arms.

Dedicated to the little angel Aimee

By Chloe Bazlen

Chloe is Beth's amazing 12 year old cousin. She loved our little angel so much. Thanks for letting us share her with you Chloe Bell -We love you so much! XOXO Beth&Lynn

Life keeps on going...

It is all I can do right now to hold myself together. Today I tried cleaning up our house and I keep falling apart. I opened a drawer to put the silverware away and her little baby spoon was there. It was the one that she had her first solids with. Just the sight of it made my heart drop. I could remember the confused look on her face the first time I gave her applesauce. She just sucked on it and eventually spit it out no matter how many times I tried. But just seeing her spoon reminded me of the giggles I would have watching her try something she didn't like. Bananas were her favorite. She would eat bananas any day. I miss the sounds of her eating and breathing. I hope I never forget her sweet little sounds.
I have been talking to her pictures as if she was there listening. I rock back and forth when ever I sit down. I keep thinking I need to buy diapers. I wake up in the morning and the first think on my mind is change her diaper and feed her. It feels weird sitting in the passenger's seat of the car and not in back watching her. I order decaf out of habit. I keep thinking it is about time she had a bath. I miss her so much. She was supposed to have a doctor's appointment today... it feels kind of eerie knowing that life goes on.
Many people have asked how she passed and I don't mind sharing it. It is up to you if you want to read on. I understand if you don't- It is only now that I am able to relive this in detail and write it out. On Saturday we were watching a movie and I was cuddling with her on the couch and her oxygen saturation kept dropping.
No matter how much we gave her it wasn't making a difference. Her breathing started to slow down and she became very congested. I can't even begin to tell you how much agony your heart feels when you are holding your precious child while they slip away. She would take a breath about every 30 seconds and I would just sob and bury my face in her neck praying for her to pass quickly. My heart was pounding as I watched her rosy little cheeks pale. I knew this was coming but once I got there I was in so much pain I couldn't think. There were times when she would get a bit better and we would tell her it was ok to go home. We told her well done good and faithful one Jesus is waiting for you. Lynn was sobbing as he was speaking the 23rd Psalm over her. Our family surrounded us and stayed up with us until about 3ish. We know she wasn't in any pain, but it was only by God's grace that we were able to make it through that valley. Lynn and I took turns holding her till about 3 in the morning when we finally fell asleep with her in Lynn's arms and she was holding on to my little finger. Our hospice nurse was here during the whole time and was watching her and helping us keep her comfortable during her passing.
It was about 3:40 when our nurse, Tonnie, woke me up and told me her heart had stopped beating. I was disoriented at first but then I saw her and pulled her close in my arms held her to my chest and rocked her. I don't know if I can finish this now. I 'll post when I can.

Memorial Service

Just a very quick update. There is a memorial service planned for Friday April 25th at 3 PM. It will take place in the prayer chapel at The City Church 9051 132nd Ave NE Kirkland, WA 98033. Please call my cell (425) 463-6492 or email me at lynn.heinemann@gmail.com for any questions.

-Lynn

Also, some have asked to pass on my brother's poem "Clay." Please share it with others as you see fit but I do ask that you will always attach his name and our blog address to the end of the poem. It is his work and I forever want him to be recognized as the original author.

The Day After

We are still here. I keep thinking she could have taken us with her and this wouldn't feel so bad. Guess it wasn't supposed to be that way. I was looking for something on the floor today and instead found a little shoe under the couch. All the walls and excuses I put up this morning didn't do anything after that. I might as well work through it instead of trying to forget. Anyway, we had to go to the funeral home this morning to sign papers and finalize everything - you end up feeling a little cruel signing papers and making huge decisions so quickly. In ways, it feels sterile and heartless but there is nothing you can do. We have been told we should write a book and we are considering it. At the very least we have notepads around and are constantly writing out our thoughts. I am picking up a digital voice recorder to record my thoughts whenever they happen. After a few days and weeks the memories will not be so clear and I want to catch those painful sharp memories now where they are. Pray for us as we go through the process of moving on. The door is closed and no matter how hard you try to reopen it, there is no handle just a path in front of you.

We will keep our blog going because many have told us they read it every day. I always considered my thoughts to be a little dangerous but Aimee's purpose has not even started to be realized. Her witness and testimony will continue to be effective for years and years to come.

Also, a MAJOR praise report - one of our close friends gave us a car tonight. We started praying for a car yesterday because Beth will be getting a job and we were not sure where to start with that. Wow. We love you 2 so much.

-Lynn

"Clay"

"Clay"
By John Heinemann

The Potter takes two lumps of clay.
It's up to Him to make it any way that he wants.
One lump can be a bowl.
And another very similar lump can be a million dollar vase.

I am a bowl {being misused as an ash tray}.
Made from exactly the same kind of ceramic as her.
The potter had the right to make me that way.
The right to make me a bowl.
And I added the ash. Added society's overused trash.

She had no ash. No trash.
She was.
She was and she loved and smiled.
Nothing more.
How many boys wouldn't have died in foreign fields if more people just were.
We were made naturally good.
We made ourselves evil because we could.
And the ones that matter listen to their nature.
It doesn't have to be all of them. Even half. Or an eighth.
Because just one person causes a family and all of their friends.
To step aside and listen. To love. To create.
Like they listened to The Potter when He said she was precious.
Like how they loved her when the unwashed masses couldn't see why.
Like they created family bonds stronger than most.

But those kinds of people are rare.
That is why they are the proverbial million dollar vase.
Those people who appreciated what they were looking at.
Will feel doubly that empty space.

Perhaps they'll teach a few others.
And with a new knowledge those others will go.
Knowing that truth is beauty, beauty truth.
That is all you know on Earth, and all you need to know.

{I am proud to say this is my brother. His talent is endless.}

Finally Home

I am very sad to be writing this but rejoicing at the same time. Our little Aimee Elise went to be with Jesus at 3:40 AM Sunday April 20th. Beth and I are of course a little shell-shocked right now but we are so happy to know that she is whole and healed now. No more surgeries. No more 2AM trips to ER. She quietly went to sleep in our arms and did not struggle or experience any discomfort. It was a very peaceful passing and we had time to say our goodbyes. I can barely think of the words to write. It hurts so terribly but inside we have a peace and quiet that passes any understanding. It's like peace itself has taken residence in my heart to wash away the blinding pain that is there.

A memorial service is being planned but I do not have any exact details. It will most likely be at The City Church in Kirkland, WA sometime in the next week. I will do my best to post the details as soon as I know anything. Thank you all for your prayers, letters, and emails. I guarantee this is the hardest thing any parent will ever have to do but through Christ, amazingly enough, all things are possible. We welcome any questions you might have - feel free to email any time.

Lynn & Beth

Let it snow

Today we were keeping warm inside while it was snowing -yes, snowing... all day. Today I had one of the best moments I can ever remember. We had a roaring fire in our fireplace. I had Aimee in my arms and huge soft flakes were falling. It was the closest thing to pure bliss I think I have ever felt. It seems like God has been giving me so many of these moments were all I can do is be still and rest with her. Lynn's parents flew in last night and have been doing everything from dishes to dinner to help us out. I was able to snap a picture of a tender moment that Grandma G had with her little grand baby. It is such a joy to share her. We have had so many of these little pieces of pure happiness the past few days. God is so good and knows the perfect way to prepare me for the road ahead. I think days and moments like this will never be far from my thoughts.
Today Aimee has had trouble regulating her temperature as well as her breathing and it can be so hard to watch her. We have been successful in keeping her calm and treating any agitation quickly. She has been kept safe and warm in the arms of family and friends all day. I don't think that she has been in her cradle for more than a total of 10 minutes today! We will keep you up to date and let you know if there are any changes.

I just wanted to write a quick note to update all of our faithful blog readers! Aimee is very comfortable and is sleeping almost all of the time. Our hospice nurse has been visiting more frequently and helps me keep Aimee from getting too agitated. I can hardly believe it -even though I am watching it with my own eyes, but she is slowing down and her little body is just not handling food, sleep and normal functions like it use to. I can see all of this happening, but my mind just refuses to accept it. Right now the only thing keeping me going is the peace that I have in the hope that I will see her healthy and complete again. I don't know how anyone could go through this with out knowing this peace. It is my firm foundation that I am grounded in during this storm. At home we are snuggling as much as possible and savoring every precious breath and sigh she breathes. We have been so blessed by the people who have come by to visit. It means so much to us that you have taken your time to comfort us and just listen while we are going through this. I love the company and the friendship! Thank you! For now I am signing out - I am going to go cuddle my little princess. -Beth

Home Sweet Home

We are at home and it feels so good to be back. During her stay the hospital I caught up on as much sleep as I could. It was sorta humbling to be snoring in front of her team of doctors and wake up in a pool of drool and try to play it off as if I was "just about" to wake up... Ever since we got home our living room has been turned into a mini hospital where we have everything set up for her comfort. We have oxygen, feeding pumps, monitors with bells and whistles that drive me nuts. Basically everything that the hospital could offer we have here. Unfortunately, I have not been able to feed Aimee by mouth for the past week. She is having a lot of difficulty eating and ends up getting the food in her lungs which causes pneumonia. So we have a little tube going down her nose and into her stomach. She is fed 24-7 and seems to be content with a full belly...who wouldn't be huh? Lately she has been sleeping a lot and there are a few precious windows where she is awake and cooing. Oh, those moments are pure gold. It has been such a difficult past week. I miss my feeding time with her. We would snuggle and I use to turn off every thing just to her the little noises she would make with her bottle. Call me crazy but I miss all of those great burps too!
When Aimee had that close call on Saturday I can't explain it, but it was amazing how much peace Lynn and I felt during the most excruciating pain. During her "last minutes" I have never felt so scared. It was sorta like standing on the edge of a cliff. You can't see the bottom, but you know you gotta jump. I wasn't scared of what was going to happen to her, but I didn't want to go through the pain. However, through it I was rejoicing knowing she would be in the arms of Jesus in an instant. Lynn and I were just thankful that she would not know anymore pain or discomfort. It brings me such joy and peace knowing that this little sweet baby girl would go directly from our arms to His.
We have prayerfully decided to go back to hospice and make Aimee's life as comfortable as possible. Her treatments are not going to be as invasive as they have been and our decisions are going to be based on her ease and relaxation. It is such a difficult decision to make when there are other options out there. It gets easy to second guess yourself and sometimes I honestly struggle with what others will think. But, we have been praying for wisdom and I know God has been guiding us. Lynn and I agreed from day one that we would not keep her on machines to sustain her life. We just don't want to keep her trapped here when she could be in paradise with Jesus exploring colors sights and sounds for the first time.
Lynn and I feel like we have already been given a miracle. We know that nothing can keep her from seeing, talking or walking whether it is on this side of heaven or not. I know this may not be what some of you are expecting from us, but God has given us wisdom, strength and direction and we are going to follow. We love all of you so much. Your prayers have been covering us and holding us during the most heartrending time of our life. Thank you for being a part of it. -Beth

Quick trip to ICU

Last night was a real rollercoaster of a ride. About 9 PM, Aimee was getting a dose of medication through her feeding tube and may have had some reflux. However it happened, she stopped breathing entirely and went Code Blue (meaning life-threatening emergency for the few that may not know). The emergency team rushed in and used a hand bulb and face mask to start breathing for her. They moved her to the ICU in the following ten minutes and kept breathing for her the entire way. They asked to put in a breathing tube and we decided not to do that because it is so invasive and painful for her. They told us that she was not breathing on her own and that since we did not want the tube that she would pass away fairly quickly. They brought a couch for us and pulled all the wires and tubes hooked up to her. Then they pulled the breathing mask and left us alone holding her. At first she had a very hard time breathing but after two minutes or so, those cute big eyes popped back open and she looked at us as if to say, "Something going on around here? What you crying for?" So after 15 or 20 mins we got her back in bed and on monitors again and we moved back OUT of ICU this morning and will probably head home on Tues or Wed. This little girl loves attention but has some scary ways of getting it. Please be praying for us though because this kind of thing can happen at any time and may even happen again very soon. It is very serious right now and we are leaving it in God's hands as to what happens. Breathing tubes are very uncomfortable and even painful for a person especially a 9 month old infant; you have to be sedated to keep from panicking or pulling the tube out. We decided a long time ago that life support was NOT an option for us or Aimee and we have filled out the paperwork that puts Aimee on a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order.

Update April 5th

Hey there friends. We are back at Children's again. There has been a lot happening in the past 3 weeks. We brought her back last Wed and unfortunately it looks like she has pneumonia although there seems to be some debate among the staff about that. Over a month ago, Children's prescribed a medication called propranolol to help with her storms. That worked very well until Beth and Aimee went to Austin to see Grandma and Grandpa. We think the change in schedule and environment triggered her storms again and now propranolol does not work at all. After returning home, she seemed to improve briefly and then went downhill again. Lately she has been going through quite a lot for such a little lady. She sometimes has storms 4 or 5 times a day and they are pretty scary to watch. When we got to Children's, they decided to replace her medication with something called clonidine. However, instead of giving her .05 ml they gave her .5 ml, 10x the normal dose. It put her into a super relaxed state and dangerously slowed her heart but she came out of it with no expected long term effects. Only problem was that at the peak of the medication's effectiveness, she went into a very bad storm confirming it does not work for her. We thought that things were going alright and then late last night she started to get some thick secretions... basically thick and nasty phlegm that was making it hard for her to breath. So now they are testing her to see if she has a respiratory virus and we are still in isolation. Long story short, we have no clue still of what's going on and we are waiting for a care conference with all of her doctors to make a decision of our next step. Please be praying that we find a medication that works for her or something changes with her health. Praise God for the staff at Seattle Children's for their dedication for this little girl.

What a crazy day! The past 24 hours have been a nonstop whirlwind for Lynn and me. Last night we had finished dinner and I was feeding Aimee when she choked and wasn't pulling out if of. She started to turn pale and blue and wasn't responding to anything we were doing to help her breath again. The paramedics showed up and gave us a speedy trip to Children's Hospital. By the time we got in she was awake and alert and her stats were back up again. Lynn and I thought that it was an issue with her new medication she was on that caused this problem. ( She gags when ever she has to take it and then sometimes breathes it in and it gets her all congested.) *There are some squeaminsh details here...just warning you. However, the doctors wanted to check out her shunt and we did an X-ray, CT scan, blood work, and a shunt tap. The neurologist was shocked when he found out that her shunt was dry. There should have been enough pressure to fill the syringe up without any tugging, but he had to fight to get 1 ml. out. So around 5:30 this morning she went in for a shunt replacement. Even while we were in the ER last night the plate that they used to cover the hole in her skull started leaking and she was starting to gather fluid at the nape of her neck. Lynn's eagle eyes caught this a few hours before the surgery. Her body will reabsorb this in a manner of time. It is not a big problem. It turned out that there was a blockage in her shunt that was preventing it from working. That was why she has been acting so different lately. This little lady has been through so much today. They couldn't find her veins ANYWHERE! On one of her feet I counted 7 different places where they tried to get an IV in. I quit looking after that. Eventually they put in a line directly into the bone with a needle the size of an elephant. They just took it out! Whew...I want to thank those of you who have been praying for her and the IV situation. They needed to put a catheter in an artery in her leg and they got it in on the first try! Thank you Jesus! She looks a little puffy from all the IV fluids and she is missing her hair on her right temple, but her little cheeks are still chubby, soft, and rosy.... Being a mommy is such an amazing gift. Lynn has been the best friend/husband/mentor for me during this crazy day. He stayed right by her side during all of the tests and procedures. I couldn't take it at all. I love the doctors here at Children's but when they made my baby hurt it unleashes a fury in me that I didn't know was there. It was like I could feel my temperature rising and my fists clenching and it took my hubby to keep me from going ape on them... and you all thought I was so sweet ;) I was put on time out in the lobby 3 times at 45 min intervals... I am not kidding! Just ask Lynn or the nurses in the ER. I don't know how he put up with me. We were able to get a sleeping room and got about 3-4 hours of sleep which miraculously feels like a whole night to me. As of right now she is resting and doing great! Praise the Lord what He starts he finishes! Love you all lots. By the way thanks for listening to me and talking to me at 3 in the morning. I love you da da.

February Update on the Baby

Sorry I have not written in a while. Things have been very busy after leaving the hospital back in December. We have pretty much just stayed at home and not gone anywhere letting Aimee recover. I am happy to report that she is doing wonderful. Her stiches are fading, hair is growing back beautifully and she is growing like a weed. She is now 14 lbs, 5 oz without the weight of the growth. She is so much more active and awake now. We have had a therapist working with Beth to increase her motor skills and development. She has had a minor set back in the past few weeks. Starting in late January, she developed a habit of straining all of her muscles very hard which made her legs and arms and back rigid and tight. For the first couple of days we thought she was having digestive problems because we started her on solid food at about the same time. She will work anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours straining and working herself into a frenzy. Sometimes, she works so hard that she raises her own temperature once even up to 101.6. We have taken her to Seattle Children's ER twice and an outpatient visit once to try to find the cause for this. Fortunetly, they don't think it is anything related to the shunt. 2 CT scans and 3 full body X-rays have been done in the past two weeks and her shunt is working perfectly. This led the doctors to believe she might be having seizures. We went into the hospital again at 3 am on Thursday Feb 7th and were admitted. They did a lot of different cultures for possible infection, re-ran CTs and X-rays and then did an EEG (Electroencephalography) which measured her brain waves to detect any seizures. I am happy to report they saw no seizure activity or infections at all. While this is of course good news, it still leaves us with questioning what really is going on. We were released from the hospital late Friday evening and are just at home monitoring the situation. We think it could be any number of things including maybe teething. Or just a lot of bubbles in her system. Because she has a cleft palate she swallows a LOT of air when eating. (Trust me on this - her X-rays shows large amounts of air in her system). Just be praying whatever is going on that it will stop soon cause it sometimes scares mom and dad. Other than that though she is doing so great. Talk to you later.

Make a slideshow - it's easy!

It sure is fun being the Favorite!

I can hardly believe it, but Aimee is 6 months old today. She is doing absolutely fantastic. A few day ago she started to develop this little habit that melts my heart. When we lay her down and she wants to be held she starts to make a lot of her little noises and as soon as I pick her up she gets this little mischievous grin at the corner of her mouth. I think she has me wrapped around her little finger. We have a doctors appointment this Friday and we are hoping to get the "all clear" from her doctor. Ever since she has been out of the hospital we have not been able to give her a bath because of the stitches . I give her little spit-baths, but this stinker needs a good bubble bath...(what girl doesn't?)
Last night I was reading in my Bible and I had one of those moments where the heavens part and you can hear the angels holding a chord while you have a revelation. I was reading Luke 4:18-19
18"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
I got chills reading this because Lynn and I have known from day one that Aimee is pretty much blind because of her encephalocele. She can tell the difference between light and dark, but she is still unable to follow anything with her eyes. So I am just going to stand on this word and believe. I have believed for crazier things and they happened! The hard part for me has been to simply believe. So many times I will things to happen as if it was by my strength, but it never worked out that way. Once I got it through my head that He is the one that said it He will take care of it, things got a lot easier for me to believe. He put those promises in there for a reason right?
Speaking of the year of the Lord's favor... this year we have had the finances (because we have been so blessed by our family, church and friends) to get Lynn back in school again! (Go Lynn!) *Just a side note Lynn is wanting to get his degree in chemical and bio engineering... yikes! Aimee has been recuperating very fast and gaining weight and developing beyond her normal self before the surgery. Ohh ya I love being favored! Love you all so much!