Coincidence... I think not.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God , my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalms 18:2

I can hardly believe that it has been over a month since our sweet little girl went to be with Jesus. I find myself having fewer moments where I have those little panic attacks wondering where she is. However, I am spending a lot of time just day dreaming of what she is doing and what she looks like now. Almost every time I get sad and the feelings of her loss threatens to crush me in its weight I just focus on what He did to get her to heaven. We got a call a few weeks ago that we were dreading to get. It was the funeral home and they wanted us to know that her ashes were ready to be picked up. It is one thing to make it through the storm and survive, but then to have to go through it in a different way again... uughh. Think of a hot shower on a sunburn.... I saw Lynn's demeanor change in seconds as he finished the conversation with the funeral director. Even more difficult than watching her slip away from her earthly body was actually forcing my mind to acknowledge that she wasn't here anymore. Lynn and I knew that this day was approaching, but the heaviness of it was more than we could have imagined. I remember actually heaving and just gasping for air not being able to control myself as we drove away from the funeral home. That day Lynn and I went to a really special place that had so much significance for us to scatter her ashes.
Before Lynn and I even considered starting our family our marriage was a few arguments away from a divorce. We went for a drive together to "talk" (OK we were really yelling and screaming) about what we were going to do. We pulled over at a park so we could get out of the same space we were stuck in and get a few yards away from one another. We both managed to end up out on this rock that jutted out in the middle of the small cove that had tall pines towering overhead and deep clear water on all sides. I don't know how long we stayed on that rock, but we talked a little, forgave a lot and walked off the rock knowing that there was a future for us. Within a few months Lynn and I found out our family was going to grow by one!
Lynn and I were back again at our special place. We were holding hands and walking through this little meadow that was full of little daises. It was kinda weird, but it was as clear as day... I saw Aimee in my mind totally different. Her little chubby hands were full of these little delicate flowers and she could sit up all by herself, her hair was longer with little curls at the ends and she was laughing; I could tell her eyes were actually focusing on what ever made her smile. Her face seemed different like it had expression on it of just pure silly innocent joy. I visit this heavenly place in my mind constantly. It is a perfect vacation spot in my mind that has a way of dissolving all the heavy sadness into relief and joy. Every time I see a baby that is Aimee's age I see Aimee in that way too. Oh, she is learning how to crawl... I bet she has a few teeth by now. In all honesty, it is encouraging for me to watch her little friends grow knowing that is what she is doing in heaven too. Who knows if that is really how it happens in heaven, but it works for me.
Lynn and I went back to the rock. We let her earthly body go, but knew where her whole, perfected, unique spirit was. I didn't realize it the first time I was there ( I wasn't exactly in a 'stop and smell the flowers' kind of mood), but at the top of this rock there are wild roses that grow and circle our special place. I know that this may be a stretch for some, but I am the kind of person who looks for symbolism in every chapter of every book. Can it be coincidence that we were on "the rock"? Can it be a coincidence that there was a crown of thorns at the top? I see Him in everything and everywhere we go. I love how His presence permeates and heals my heart. He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow.

Hope!

My heart is so heavy tonight. I just feel like I need to write this. When I was pregnant with Aimee I lived in a heavenly bliss until my first ultrasound. I can still remember going to our local clinic and being able to pick out the little stubby flippers and head shaped blob on the grainy black and white screen. I had no idea something was wrong. I did think that the technician was a little uptight and unfriendly. I asked for a picture of the baby to send to Lynn (he had been in Basic Training for the past 2 1/2 months) and she printed out a picture of an arm of all things. I was a little bummed because I wanted a profile so he could pick out all of her little appendages that were growing. I now realize she did that on purpose so I wouldn't see the gap at the base of her skull.
I got a call on Friday evening and my doctor said he was going to send me to a specialist for further testing. I felt like I had to pry information out of him. What kind of testing? What is wrong? Are you sure the technician had the right name on the pictures?
We had just started going to City Church- I take that back... We just started enjoying City Church. I had come from a super conservative church background and these hyper Christians were crazy! They would actually keep singing long after the song had ended. Once the words were gone from the screen I didn't know what to do and they just kept right on worshiping. I think almost everyone that I sat next to was praying in their prayer language. It didn't really weird me out though. My mommy received her gift right before she died and I wanted to pray in tongues as well. I had always heard of people having been baptized in the spirit and I assumed that it meant they had been dunked in the baptism pool, but at City Church I received God's holy spirit and my prayer language has taken my walk with Jesus to a whole new level.
At the City Church they even believed for prayers to be answered! I can't tell you how many times I have heard "Pray about it and if it is God's will it will just happen." I never thought about having the undying power of Jesus Christ living in me and standing in faith for miracles to happen. I think sometimes we get lazy and just leave it up to "His will" and never contend and stand in faith. It is dangerously easy to say "His will be done" and walk away from an issue than to not budge when the storm breaks. It takes a super natural strength to yell back at the thunder that My God is bigger His plan is greater and you cannot scare me with rain, hail and lightening because I am stuck to this Rock and there is nothing you can do to take me away!!! Oh I thank God for the kind of faith that City Church thrives and teaches in.
At the specialist's office I can remember seeing a weird bubble at the nape of her neck. They did so many measurements on her and this weird abnormality. Finally, after the longest 15 minutes, the doctor came in with the genetic counselor and the stenographer. I knew this couldn't be good. He had on a forced smile that was all too revealing and took my hand and told me that the baby had a birth defect that was too severe and inoperable. Basically the baby didn't have a chance. I remember I started to shake and cry uncontrollably. All I wanted was Lynn to be home and to cry in his arms. They let me use their office to make some calls and then our fight started.
I think that people who do not believe in the amazing heaven that awaits us try and find solace in the weirdest places. I was overloaded with dozens of pamphlets and books, business cards, fliers of grieving groups the list goes on and on. During the meeting with the doctor he explained that the safest thing to do would be to terminate the pregnancy. "It's just a simple procedure we have women who choose to do this often." I would be lying if I told you I was not tempted to abort my baby. "It would be easier to just get this situation out of the way. No one would know the decision I made... Lynn wouldn't even have to find out. I could tell everyone I had a miscarriage. God would forgive me... right?" It breaks my heart to admit that those were some of the brief ideas that crossed my mind. I even had a dream where I had the abortion, but i felt so empty inside.
Lynn made it home within 24 hours. I am so thankful for my amazing man of God. He knew exactly where we needed to be. We went to a Saturday night service and Pastor Jude prayed for us. I honestly was a little apprehensive to go. I was afraid that somehow they would know the thoughts that were going through my head and look down on me because of it. I knew what the right decision was all along. I knew, that I knew, that I knew, that I would not be the one to take away her life and I was at peace with knowing that. I just didn't want to face the storm that I saw brewing in the distance. That evening Lynn and I burned all of the information that the doctors gave us in our fireplace. I guess it was a way for us to show God that His word was all we needed.
Looking back I know it was only by God's amazing love that we made it through. He gave us that strength to counter the storm. Even when I felt like I was ready to throw in the towel He had the right person there at the right time to encourage me. We saw and experienced so many amazing miracles during Aimee's brief, but beautiful life. We had a faith that was sorta small and pitiful (we are talking mustard seed sized) and we are seeing it flourish and grow. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her. I don't take credit for any of this. It all happened that way because we were plugged in to the church. God had an amazing fortress that He sheltered us in. He is so good to us.
Lynn and I have been given the opportunity to speak with some parents who are going through the same issues at Seattle Children's Hospital. Please keep us in your prayers as we are moving into the ministry that He lays out before us. This has got to be unbearable for parents who don't have hope and I have got such a passion for sharing this hope with them.

Souluminations Photo Shoot

We wanted to share a few sweet pictures that we recently got back from the photographer.

Beth's mind...

Deep in the recesses of my mind I am still taking care of Aimee. I get up take a shower read my Bible have breakfast and then have a quick panic. 'I didn't check on her this morning when I got up! She is going to be so hungry.' Wait... oh... then it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Grief is such an awful emotion. When you are sad that's it, you are disappointed. However, this grief thing is a messy sticky emotion. It leaves a residue on everything you think or anywhere you go. You can see it in the faces of anyone who knows you. You don't like the look of it, but you feel that anyone who doesn't know what happened should. It is such a strange place to be. I am so happy at times knowing that she is more alive now than she was on earth, but it makes my heart so heavy not being able to cradle her in my arms. I feel like everything is a double standard...I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I physically hurt and ache, but I couldn't tell you where.
I can't stop thinking about the last morning I had with her. The last kiss I gave her. The last time I heard her breathe. I am honestly afraid if I don't keep it fresh in my mind I will forget it. But why would I want to remember something so heart wrenching when there were so many wonderful days and moments with her?
I know this is a heavy subject, but it feels good to get it off my chest. Writing it out seems to have a therapeutic element to it. By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this. I get all tongue tied when I talk and sometimes my fingers say it better than my mouth.
Lately I have been living in Psalms and soaking up Proverbs. I feel like David sometimes... "I love you Lord you are my rock and my fortress... Aaaaa!! save me Lord, my enemies are everywhere!! I love you Lord lets go conquer something together ... Help! I am drowning in my tears again!" (That was my little paraphrase... I hope you know David didn't really say that exactly.) This is such a crazy emotion, but I am trying to teach my mind that it does not need to dwell in this strange land. Because Christ is my rock my solid foundation and no matter what I feel or the things that could come crashing down, He is. Just that. He is.
Ok, I know this is a corny analogy, but in the movie Apollo 13 remember when they had to reboot the space ship after it had been shut down for a long time? They had to keep the earth in the window so that they knew where they were going. I feel like that is how it has been since she died. Everything out there seems like a void. Food doesn't taste good. Your favorite song has turned into muddy noise. It can get pretty dark out here. But as long as we are fixed on Him we know He will lead us out of this. When I feel all topsy-turvy I just plant my feet firmly on what I know to be true. It is still new to me. I feel like I am learning to walk all over again. But, when I think about Him it puts it all into perspective again. Grief may always be there, but it does not have to rule my life. I am really, really, really trying hard not to let my emotions rule my life. -Come on sisters, we know how hard that can be. But ya know- the closer the crew of Apollo 13 got to home the bigger earth got... I have a feeling that the longer we trust Him and the more we move forward the more clearly we will realize how big and amazing our God really is.
So to my hubby- I love you. Thanks for loving me despite my ups and downs.
To my family- your love and support has been priceless I am so thankful for you, Love you.
To my friends... heck you're family! I love each and every one of ya!