Deep in the recesses of my mind I am still taking care of Aimee. I get up take a shower read my Bible have breakfast and then have a quick panic. 'I didn't check on her this morning when I got up! She is going to be so hungry.' Wait... oh... then it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Grief is such an awful emotion. When you are sad that's it, you are disappointed. However, this grief thing is a messy sticky emotion. It leaves a residue on everything you think or anywhere you go. You can see it in the faces of anyone who knows you. You don't like the look of it, but you feel that anyone who doesn't know what happened should. It is such a strange place to be. I am so happy at times knowing that she is more alive now than she was on earth, but it makes my heart so heavy not being able to cradle her in my arms. I feel like everything is a double standard...I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I physically hurt and ache, but I couldn't tell you where.
I can't stop thinking about the last morning I had with her. The last kiss I gave her. The last time I heard her breathe. I am honestly afraid if I don't keep it fresh in my mind I will forget it. But why would I want to remember something so heart wrenching when there were so many wonderful days and moments with her?
I know this is a heavy subject, but it feels good to get it off my chest. Writing it out seems to have a therapeutic element to it. By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this. I get all tongue tied when I talk and sometimes my fingers say it better than my mouth.
Lately I have been living in Psalms and soaking up Proverbs. I feel like David sometimes... "I love you Lord you are my rock and my fortress... Aaaaa!! save me Lord, my enemies are everywhere!! I love you Lord lets go conquer something together ... Help! I am drowning in my tears again!" (That was my little paraphrase... I hope you know David didn't really say that exactly.) This is such a crazy emotion, but I am trying to teach my mind that it does not need to dwell in this strange land. Because Christ is my rock my solid foundation and no matter what I feel or the things that could come crashing down, He is. Just that. He is.
Ok, I know this is a corny analogy, but in the movie Apollo 13 remember when they had to reboot the space ship after it had been shut down for a long time? They had to keep the earth in the window so that they knew where they were going. I feel like that is how it has been since she died. Everything out there seems like a void. Food doesn't taste good. Your favorite song has turned into muddy noise. It can get pretty dark out here. But as long as we are fixed on Him we know He will lead us out of this. When I feel all topsy-turvy I just plant my feet firmly on what I know to be true. It is still new to me. I feel like I am learning to walk all over again. But, when I think about Him it puts it all into perspective again. Grief may always be there, but it does not have to rule my life. I am really, really, really trying hard not to let my emotions rule my life. -Come on sisters, we know how hard that can be. But ya know- the closer the crew of Apollo 13 got to home the bigger earth got... I have a feeling that the longer we trust Him and the more we move forward the more clearly we will realize how big and amazing our God really is.
So to my hubby- I love you. Thanks for loving me despite my ups and downs.
To my family- your love and support has been priceless I am so thankful for you, Love you.
To my friends... heck you're family! I love each and every one of ya!
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