My Sweet Little Aimee,
I can't believe it was a year ago today that I held you in my arms for the first time. I can still see you so tiny and fragile with your rosebud lips puckered up and your dark hair framing your perfect little face. After nine months of impatiently waiting for that moment I felt like I couldn't soak you in fast enough. You were absolutely beautiful. Watching your daddy hold you for the first time was one of the sweetest moments I have ever experienced. He changed from a tough army soldier to cuddly protective daddy in a split second. You turned us into a mommy and a daddy. You blessed us everyday with your smiles and little silly faces. I cannot fathom how much God loves us if He can love us more than we love you. Every time anyone got to hold you they always said that they could feel love radiating from you. That was all you knew. Pure and simple love. Aimee, not a day goes by when we don't miss you. Sometimes I still have dreams about you, I usually try to fall asleep again and pick up where they left off just so I can hold you again. Even though I can't come to you I know we will spend forever together. Being on this side of heaven it seems like you are so far away, but to you - I suppose I will see you in the blink of an eye! Happy Birthday little one. Your mommy and daddy love you with all their hearts and can't wait to see you again.

Thoughts from Lynn

I decided to write today because I am in a holding pattern at work and have nothing to do for a while. It's amazing what my wife writes isn't it? How many of you out there have marveled at Beth's ability to express her thoughts and touch a special place in your heart and mind? Sometimes I am so surprised to read her blogs and realize I don't know her as well as I thought. She has so many hidden strengths I just can't fathom it.
I have to tell you though - I miss my daughter so bad. I am getting to the point where I can start looking at her pictures again. For a long time I refused to look at photos because the pain was too near - too close. Once in a while I will unexpectedly run across a picture of her and it's like jumping in a lake of ice water. It's a shock and it takes your breath away for a few seconds. I have a jacket with an inside pocket I don't use very much anymore. The Sunday before she passed away I put one of her little socks that fell off in that pocket not thinking anything about it. After she was gone, a couple weeks went by and I put the jacket back on and discovered that sock. I felt a little piece of me almost die inside but it's like I am carrying her around with me again every time I put my coat on. God knows I would never wish her back here again with everything she went through but I also wish so much I could be with her. As a kid, I heard my great-grandmother talk about heaven and how she was ready to go there. I, in my youth, thought that was crazy. I kept thinking, "There are so many cool things here. Who would want to go to heaven? We have Disneyland, I want to get married, I want to have fun." As time goes on, I realize more and more how much of a fallen world we live in. Romans 8:20-23 expresses it so clearly. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23 And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. Vs 22 puts it so strongly, it's like the pains of labor living here sometimes, especially when you experience something like this. We were never meant to live apart from God but we chose that for ourselves. We have Disneyland sure but show of hands on who wants to live there for eternity. I am ready to start doing what God wants of me here but I am looking to the day to be home. I have to run - got a delivery to Tacoma for work.

-Lynn

We are moving right along. Literally!

The news is out. Lynn and I are moving to Idaho for a season. It has been quite a process actually and things are going surprisingly smooth so far. Lynn received a call from his previous employer in Twin Falls and they already have an interview set up tomorrow.
Ok, I gotta get to the cool part of this story. A few months ago Lynn's parents had offered us an opportunity to live in their empty house that needs someone there to take care of it. At the time we didn't feel like it was something that we could see happening. We pretty much closed the chapter on that book and moved on. A few weeks ago I was in my quiet time praying and reading and getting to my favorite time of just being absolutely still and waiting on Him to answer back. (You have no idea how difficult this can be for someone who has ADD!) During this time I kept on getting the word "Go". I was thinking "Hmm, well that's nice God, but 'go' do what? Go get a new job? Go make dinner? Go to the ends of the earth... Go....what?!?!" I even wrote it down then scribbled it out because it just didn't make any sense to me. I didn't think about it much if at all since it happened.
While we were on vacation they offered us the house again and we prayerfully considered it, but still had plenty of reasons either way. Lynn and I had to make a decision soon- we could not afford to just sit on the fence about it and we wanted to make sure that we were doing the right thing. We have been asking for wisdom like it says to in James "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
It was Friday morning and while I was getting ready for work it hit me like lightening. He already answered. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth and trying to explain this to Lynn at the same time. I was talking/gargling at a hundred miles a minute, foam everywhere... I think he thought I was mad! I knew deep down inside that this was the answer we had been praying and fasting for. "Go!" I was so shocked because I have tons of reasons why I wanted to stay in Seattle. I have an amazing church that I am part of. I have friends and family that have been there for us and walked with us through our hardest days, I love the green grass- and hate the sagebrush. I even called Deanna and asked her if God answers prayer like this! But when you get a word from God that sorta changes your perspective on it all. Lynn and I are completely in agreement about this decision and we are super excited to see what God has in store for us. With a word from Him it puts my heart at peace. I know He has gone before us. I know He has amazing plans for us.

(I was writing this late last night and was not able to finish, but as of this morning Lynn has a job waiting for him in Idaho! Nice job honey! )
We are going to be leaving the last few days in July. I hope we get to see all of you before then!

Miracles in the Making

Contrary to popular belief we have not abandoned our blog! I know it has been a while since I have shed any light on what Lynn and I are up to, but I promise I won't quit any time soon. To be as truthful as possible it has been more difficult to keep on going with the daily tasks these past few weeks than it has ever been since she went to be with Jesus. Lynn and I are trying to find our rhythm as a couple instead of parents (of course we will always be a mommy and a daddy at heart) and that has held more challenges than we expected.
Just to catch you up, Lynn's unit is being trained for infantry in Iraq. One of the infantry units is at full strength, but if there is any reason why some of the soldiers are unable to complete their training they would pull soldiers out of Lynn's aviation unit. I will be the first to admit there was that old familiar pang of raw panic when I heard about the call to duty. But this time Lynn and I immediately knew that every time we felt panic trying to creep back into our thoughts we just prayed together and attacked that little stinkin' pain in the tush... There have been so many miracles that God has worked out on our behalf because we were obedient to follow His call to the army. To begin with, Lynn was originally going to be working on the Black Hawk Helicopters for the Washington National Guard, but at the last moment Washington State changed their fiscal year and he changed his training field to the Chinooks instead. We found out that if he would have gone with the Black Hawks he would have been getting home about now from Iraq.
Another amazing miracle is that the army's health insurance covered Aimee's half- million dollar hospital bill. Can you imagine what kind of stress and pressure would be looming over us if we had that kind of debt to pay off? I remember when I was driving to work one morning and I was praying (I suppose it was closer to begging) that God would keep Lynn safe at home on US soil so he could be there as the daddy that Aimee needed and the husband that I needed too. I must have prayed for hours for Lynn's safety and I was so afraid that God didn't hear me, but I remember going to church and Pastor Gini was leading us in prayer and she said "God wants you to know He has heard your prayers and He is faithful!" It may have been a word for others as well, however I knew that the words she spoke were meant for me to hear that day.
My immediate family has been faced with health issues that seemed as if they came from nowhere and at the same time. I honestly couldn't believe it when I got the news. I kept thinking 'what next God? What else could possibly happen to me?' (nice attitude huh?) But then in His gentle, but very firm way (ya know what I mean- it is kinda like the last warning you get before you get disciplined by mom's wooden spoon) He brought Aimee's miracles back to my mind. A few weeks after Aimee was born we asked Pastor Judah to lay hands on her and pray for her healing. The encephalocele that was growing at the nape of her neck was a splotchy purple color and it was getting larger every week. When we were praying Lynn saw it shrink and the weird splotchy color was completely gone. Lynn told me that he couldn't even believe his eyes as he watched the purple color fade into a normal flesh tone in his hands. We even have before and after pictures. Of course it still got larger as she grew, but every single one of her doctors was absolutely amazed. They had never seen an encephalocele that was as large, but with no skin break down. Even up to the day it was repaired there was never any problem with the skin it was tough, thick and protected her from getting any infections. When I fix my mind on the amazing healing God that He is and the proof that He gave us , how can I have that kind of attitude? I can't! I just gotta keep praying and standing in faith with my family.
Sometimes when I am going through the hardest days and darkest nights it is hard for me to remember that I am a child of the miracle working God and HE LOVES ME!! But when I look at the things He has done, the separation He delivered us from, the healing and protection for my baby girl, the provision he already had planned before we needed it, and the free car that I prayed for and was given, how can I despair? When I first started blogging I honestly was a little down. There have been so many difficult things that have come up since we said goodbye to our precious little baby. I feel like I have been in sort of a numb fog for a while. Just reading about His miracles and his obvious love for us feels soooo good! I suppose I am learning that even when your hardest days get harder He still is. It is such a comfort to know that He is and always will be- no matter what you are going through.
On a side note I really want to thank all of those who have taken the time to help council and encourage us. I wish I could put into words how much I am blessed by your words of affirmation and motivation and even caution. We feel that you have helped spur us on into a richer and deeper love with our Savior as we seek His direction for us. Lynn and I have some pretty big decisions that are coming up and what we choose will definitely change the path for the rest of our lives. It really has been an honor to us that so many of you have been so involved in our lives and want to keep up on our progress. Thank you! We love you.

Coincidence... I think not.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God , my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalms 18:2

I can hardly believe that it has been over a month since our sweet little girl went to be with Jesus. I find myself having fewer moments where I have those little panic attacks wondering where she is. However, I am spending a lot of time just day dreaming of what she is doing and what she looks like now. Almost every time I get sad and the feelings of her loss threatens to crush me in its weight I just focus on what He did to get her to heaven. We got a call a few weeks ago that we were dreading to get. It was the funeral home and they wanted us to know that her ashes were ready to be picked up. It is one thing to make it through the storm and survive, but then to have to go through it in a different way again... uughh. Think of a hot shower on a sunburn.... I saw Lynn's demeanor change in seconds as he finished the conversation with the funeral director. Even more difficult than watching her slip away from her earthly body was actually forcing my mind to acknowledge that she wasn't here anymore. Lynn and I knew that this day was approaching, but the heaviness of it was more than we could have imagined. I remember actually heaving and just gasping for air not being able to control myself as we drove away from the funeral home. That day Lynn and I went to a really special place that had so much significance for us to scatter her ashes.
Before Lynn and I even considered starting our family our marriage was a few arguments away from a divorce. We went for a drive together to "talk" (OK we were really yelling and screaming) about what we were going to do. We pulled over at a park so we could get out of the same space we were stuck in and get a few yards away from one another. We both managed to end up out on this rock that jutted out in the middle of the small cove that had tall pines towering overhead and deep clear water on all sides. I don't know how long we stayed on that rock, but we talked a little, forgave a lot and walked off the rock knowing that there was a future for us. Within a few months Lynn and I found out our family was going to grow by one!
Lynn and I were back again at our special place. We were holding hands and walking through this little meadow that was full of little daises. It was kinda weird, but it was as clear as day... I saw Aimee in my mind totally different. Her little chubby hands were full of these little delicate flowers and she could sit up all by herself, her hair was longer with little curls at the ends and she was laughing; I could tell her eyes were actually focusing on what ever made her smile. Her face seemed different like it had expression on it of just pure silly innocent joy. I visit this heavenly place in my mind constantly. It is a perfect vacation spot in my mind that has a way of dissolving all the heavy sadness into relief and joy. Every time I see a baby that is Aimee's age I see Aimee in that way too. Oh, she is learning how to crawl... I bet she has a few teeth by now. In all honesty, it is encouraging for me to watch her little friends grow knowing that is what she is doing in heaven too. Who knows if that is really how it happens in heaven, but it works for me.
Lynn and I went back to the rock. We let her earthly body go, but knew where her whole, perfected, unique spirit was. I didn't realize it the first time I was there ( I wasn't exactly in a 'stop and smell the flowers' kind of mood), but at the top of this rock there are wild roses that grow and circle our special place. I know that this may be a stretch for some, but I am the kind of person who looks for symbolism in every chapter of every book. Can it be coincidence that we were on "the rock"? Can it be a coincidence that there was a crown of thorns at the top? I see Him in everything and everywhere we go. I love how His presence permeates and heals my heart. He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow.

Hope!

My heart is so heavy tonight. I just feel like I need to write this. When I was pregnant with Aimee I lived in a heavenly bliss until my first ultrasound. I can still remember going to our local clinic and being able to pick out the little stubby flippers and head shaped blob on the grainy black and white screen. I had no idea something was wrong. I did think that the technician was a little uptight and unfriendly. I asked for a picture of the baby to send to Lynn (he had been in Basic Training for the past 2 1/2 months) and she printed out a picture of an arm of all things. I was a little bummed because I wanted a profile so he could pick out all of her little appendages that were growing. I now realize she did that on purpose so I wouldn't see the gap at the base of her skull.
I got a call on Friday evening and my doctor said he was going to send me to a specialist for further testing. I felt like I had to pry information out of him. What kind of testing? What is wrong? Are you sure the technician had the right name on the pictures?
We had just started going to City Church- I take that back... We just started enjoying City Church. I had come from a super conservative church background and these hyper Christians were crazy! They would actually keep singing long after the song had ended. Once the words were gone from the screen I didn't know what to do and they just kept right on worshiping. I think almost everyone that I sat next to was praying in their prayer language. It didn't really weird me out though. My mommy received her gift right before she died and I wanted to pray in tongues as well. I had always heard of people having been baptized in the spirit and I assumed that it meant they had been dunked in the baptism pool, but at City Church I received God's holy spirit and my prayer language has taken my walk with Jesus to a whole new level.
At the City Church they even believed for prayers to be answered! I can't tell you how many times I have heard "Pray about it and if it is God's will it will just happen." I never thought about having the undying power of Jesus Christ living in me and standing in faith for miracles to happen. I think sometimes we get lazy and just leave it up to "His will" and never contend and stand in faith. It is dangerously easy to say "His will be done" and walk away from an issue than to not budge when the storm breaks. It takes a super natural strength to yell back at the thunder that My God is bigger His plan is greater and you cannot scare me with rain, hail and lightening because I am stuck to this Rock and there is nothing you can do to take me away!!! Oh I thank God for the kind of faith that City Church thrives and teaches in.
At the specialist's office I can remember seeing a weird bubble at the nape of her neck. They did so many measurements on her and this weird abnormality. Finally, after the longest 15 minutes, the doctor came in with the genetic counselor and the stenographer. I knew this couldn't be good. He had on a forced smile that was all too revealing and took my hand and told me that the baby had a birth defect that was too severe and inoperable. Basically the baby didn't have a chance. I remember I started to shake and cry uncontrollably. All I wanted was Lynn to be home and to cry in his arms. They let me use their office to make some calls and then our fight started.
I think that people who do not believe in the amazing heaven that awaits us try and find solace in the weirdest places. I was overloaded with dozens of pamphlets and books, business cards, fliers of grieving groups the list goes on and on. During the meeting with the doctor he explained that the safest thing to do would be to terminate the pregnancy. "It's just a simple procedure we have women who choose to do this often." I would be lying if I told you I was not tempted to abort my baby. "It would be easier to just get this situation out of the way. No one would know the decision I made... Lynn wouldn't even have to find out. I could tell everyone I had a miscarriage. God would forgive me... right?" It breaks my heart to admit that those were some of the brief ideas that crossed my mind. I even had a dream where I had the abortion, but i felt so empty inside.
Lynn made it home within 24 hours. I am so thankful for my amazing man of God. He knew exactly where we needed to be. We went to a Saturday night service and Pastor Jude prayed for us. I honestly was a little apprehensive to go. I was afraid that somehow they would know the thoughts that were going through my head and look down on me because of it. I knew what the right decision was all along. I knew, that I knew, that I knew, that I would not be the one to take away her life and I was at peace with knowing that. I just didn't want to face the storm that I saw brewing in the distance. That evening Lynn and I burned all of the information that the doctors gave us in our fireplace. I guess it was a way for us to show God that His word was all we needed.
Looking back I know it was only by God's amazing love that we made it through. He gave us that strength to counter the storm. Even when I felt like I was ready to throw in the towel He had the right person there at the right time to encourage me. We saw and experienced so many amazing miracles during Aimee's brief, but beautiful life. We had a faith that was sorta small and pitiful (we are talking mustard seed sized) and we are seeing it flourish and grow. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her. I don't take credit for any of this. It all happened that way because we were plugged in to the church. God had an amazing fortress that He sheltered us in. He is so good to us.
Lynn and I have been given the opportunity to speak with some parents who are going through the same issues at Seattle Children's Hospital. Please keep us in your prayers as we are moving into the ministry that He lays out before us. This has got to be unbearable for parents who don't have hope and I have got such a passion for sharing this hope with them.

Souluminations Photo Shoot

We wanted to share a few sweet pictures that we recently got back from the photographer.