Life keeps on going...

It is all I can do right now to hold myself together. Today I tried cleaning up our house and I keep falling apart. I opened a drawer to put the silverware away and her little baby spoon was there. It was the one that she had her first solids with. Just the sight of it made my heart drop. I could remember the confused look on her face the first time I gave her applesauce. She just sucked on it and eventually spit it out no matter how many times I tried. But just seeing her spoon reminded me of the giggles I would have watching her try something she didn't like. Bananas were her favorite. She would eat bananas any day. I miss the sounds of her eating and breathing. I hope I never forget her sweet little sounds.
I have been talking to her pictures as if she was there listening. I rock back and forth when ever I sit down. I keep thinking I need to buy diapers. I wake up in the morning and the first think on my mind is change her diaper and feed her. It feels weird sitting in the passenger's seat of the car and not in back watching her. I order decaf out of habit. I keep thinking it is about time she had a bath. I miss her so much. She was supposed to have a doctor's appointment today... it feels kind of eerie knowing that life goes on.
Many people have asked how she passed and I don't mind sharing it. It is up to you if you want to read on. I understand if you don't- It is only now that I am able to relive this in detail and write it out. On Saturday we were watching a movie and I was cuddling with her on the couch and her oxygen saturation kept dropping.
No matter how much we gave her it wasn't making a difference. Her breathing started to slow down and she became very congested. I can't even begin to tell you how much agony your heart feels when you are holding your precious child while they slip away. She would take a breath about every 30 seconds and I would just sob and bury my face in her neck praying for her to pass quickly. My heart was pounding as I watched her rosy little cheeks pale. I knew this was coming but once I got there I was in so much pain I couldn't think. There were times when she would get a bit better and we would tell her it was ok to go home. We told her well done good and faithful one Jesus is waiting for you. Lynn was sobbing as he was speaking the 23rd Psalm over her. Our family surrounded us and stayed up with us until about 3ish. We know she wasn't in any pain, but it was only by God's grace that we were able to make it through that valley. Lynn and I took turns holding her till about 3 in the morning when we finally fell asleep with her in Lynn's arms and she was holding on to my little finger. Our hospice nurse was here during the whole time and was watching her and helping us keep her comfortable during her passing.
It was about 3:40 when our nurse, Tonnie, woke me up and told me her heart had stopped beating. I was disoriented at first but then I saw her and pulled her close in my arms held her to my chest and rocked her. I don't know if I can finish this now. I 'll post when I can.

Memorial Service

Just a very quick update. There is a memorial service planned for Friday April 25th at 3 PM. It will take place in the prayer chapel at The City Church 9051 132nd Ave NE Kirkland, WA 98033. Please call my cell (425) 463-6492 or email me at lynn.heinemann@gmail.com for any questions.

-Lynn

Also, some have asked to pass on my brother's poem "Clay." Please share it with others as you see fit but I do ask that you will always attach his name and our blog address to the end of the poem. It is his work and I forever want him to be recognized as the original author.

The Day After

We are still here. I keep thinking she could have taken us with her and this wouldn't feel so bad. Guess it wasn't supposed to be that way. I was looking for something on the floor today and instead found a little shoe under the couch. All the walls and excuses I put up this morning didn't do anything after that. I might as well work through it instead of trying to forget. Anyway, we had to go to the funeral home this morning to sign papers and finalize everything - you end up feeling a little cruel signing papers and making huge decisions so quickly. In ways, it feels sterile and heartless but there is nothing you can do. We have been told we should write a book and we are considering it. At the very least we have notepads around and are constantly writing out our thoughts. I am picking up a digital voice recorder to record my thoughts whenever they happen. After a few days and weeks the memories will not be so clear and I want to catch those painful sharp memories now where they are. Pray for us as we go through the process of moving on. The door is closed and no matter how hard you try to reopen it, there is no handle just a path in front of you.

We will keep our blog going because many have told us they read it every day. I always considered my thoughts to be a little dangerous but Aimee's purpose has not even started to be realized. Her witness and testimony will continue to be effective for years and years to come.

Also, a MAJOR praise report - one of our close friends gave us a car tonight. We started praying for a car yesterday because Beth will be getting a job and we were not sure where to start with that. Wow. We love you 2 so much.

-Lynn

"Clay"

"Clay"
By John Heinemann

The Potter takes two lumps of clay.
It's up to Him to make it any way that he wants.
One lump can be a bowl.
And another very similar lump can be a million dollar vase.

I am a bowl {being misused as an ash tray}.
Made from exactly the same kind of ceramic as her.
The potter had the right to make me that way.
The right to make me a bowl.
And I added the ash. Added society's overused trash.

She had no ash. No trash.
She was.
She was and she loved and smiled.
Nothing more.
How many boys wouldn't have died in foreign fields if more people just were.
We were made naturally good.
We made ourselves evil because we could.
And the ones that matter listen to their nature.
It doesn't have to be all of them. Even half. Or an eighth.
Because just one person causes a family and all of their friends.
To step aside and listen. To love. To create.
Like they listened to The Potter when He said she was precious.
Like how they loved her when the unwashed masses couldn't see why.
Like they created family bonds stronger than most.

But those kinds of people are rare.
That is why they are the proverbial million dollar vase.
Those people who appreciated what they were looking at.
Will feel doubly that empty space.

Perhaps they'll teach a few others.
And with a new knowledge those others will go.
Knowing that truth is beauty, beauty truth.
That is all you know on Earth, and all you need to know.

{I am proud to say this is my brother. His talent is endless.}

Finally Home

I am very sad to be writing this but rejoicing at the same time. Our little Aimee Elise went to be with Jesus at 3:40 AM Sunday April 20th. Beth and I are of course a little shell-shocked right now but we are so happy to know that she is whole and healed now. No more surgeries. No more 2AM trips to ER. She quietly went to sleep in our arms and did not struggle or experience any discomfort. It was a very peaceful passing and we had time to say our goodbyes. I can barely think of the words to write. It hurts so terribly but inside we have a peace and quiet that passes any understanding. It's like peace itself has taken residence in my heart to wash away the blinding pain that is there.

A memorial service is being planned but I do not have any exact details. It will most likely be at The City Church in Kirkland, WA sometime in the next week. I will do my best to post the details as soon as I know anything. Thank you all for your prayers, letters, and emails. I guarantee this is the hardest thing any parent will ever have to do but through Christ, amazingly enough, all things are possible. We welcome any questions you might have - feel free to email any time.

Lynn & Beth

Let it snow

Today we were keeping warm inside while it was snowing -yes, snowing... all day. Today I had one of the best moments I can ever remember. We had a roaring fire in our fireplace. I had Aimee in my arms and huge soft flakes were falling. It was the closest thing to pure bliss I think I have ever felt. It seems like God has been giving me so many of these moments were all I can do is be still and rest with her. Lynn's parents flew in last night and have been doing everything from dishes to dinner to help us out. I was able to snap a picture of a tender moment that Grandma G had with her little grand baby. It is such a joy to share her. We have had so many of these little pieces of pure happiness the past few days. God is so good and knows the perfect way to prepare me for the road ahead. I think days and moments like this will never be far from my thoughts.
Today Aimee has had trouble regulating her temperature as well as her breathing and it can be so hard to watch her. We have been successful in keeping her calm and treating any agitation quickly. She has been kept safe and warm in the arms of family and friends all day. I don't think that she has been in her cradle for more than a total of 10 minutes today! We will keep you up to date and let you know if there are any changes.

I just wanted to write a quick note to update all of our faithful blog readers! Aimee is very comfortable and is sleeping almost all of the time. Our hospice nurse has been visiting more frequently and helps me keep Aimee from getting too agitated. I can hardly believe it -even though I am watching it with my own eyes, but she is slowing down and her little body is just not handling food, sleep and normal functions like it use to. I can see all of this happening, but my mind just refuses to accept it. Right now the only thing keeping me going is the peace that I have in the hope that I will see her healthy and complete again. I don't know how anyone could go through this with out knowing this peace. It is my firm foundation that I am grounded in during this storm. At home we are snuggling as much as possible and savoring every precious breath and sigh she breathes. We have been so blessed by the people who have come by to visit. It means so much to us that you have taken your time to comfort us and just listen while we are going through this. I love the company and the friendship! Thank you! For now I am signing out - I am going to go cuddle my little princess. -Beth